A Guide for Alan Rickman's movie partners

It's been a long day for yours truly, so I decided to write something humorous with the special dedication to all Alan Rickman's fan girls out there. I'm sure you are all as baffled as I am, when you watch numerous movies with him and the lucky female he chose to grace with gift of his admiration is an utter and hopeless moron. Here is what these women should do as opposed to what they did do:

If Alan Rickman shows up at your doorstep with flowers you DO NOT ignore him only to get syphilis later on in life and die from your own, demented husband's hand
You go out to him and you fall on your knees, for you are unworthy.

 If Alan Rickman wants to consummate the marriage you DO NOT kick and scream, hoping for Kevin Costner (sic!) to come rescue you and after he succeeds you do not fall into Kevin Costner's arms and kiss him as poor audience is forced to see you two morons kiss in the background while mourning over awesome Sherrif's of Nottingam, whose body lies in the foreground.
You go ahead and you consummate.

If Alan Rickman says "you should take your knickers off, or shall I?" you DO NOT look at him with stupid look on your face. And when he asks you "Don't you love me even one bit?" you DO NOT answer "I love another"
Your knickers fly off on their own and you confess eternal love for him.

If Alan Rickman falls in love with you when you are playing the piano, helps you out when like complete idiot you try to break sugar cane or whatever the hell it is with your bare hands, brings you flowers and all in all is absolutely perfect, you DO NOT fall in love with some guy who helps you out after you fell on your ass on the hill in the rain. Not for the last time in the entire movie, I shall add.
You take him right there on that field.

If you are married to Alan Rickman you DO NOT:

1. cheat on him with your own brother.

2. cheat on him with a woman.

3. yell at him and banish him from "your island"

You thank God every day. And you definetly don't cheat on him with your own brother (seriously, that is what actually happened to his character)

If for some inexplicable reason Alan Rickman loves you in Harry Potter universe (even though you are boring as shit and you prefer some twat like James Potter) and he in fact loves you enough to sacrifice his life to honor your memory and save your dumb ass son you DO NOT marry the twat.
You become Slytherin groupie.

If Alan Rickman tortures you for information you DO NOT act bitchy and insist on not knowing anything.
You tell him everything he wants and you sincerely thank him for spending such lovely time with you.




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